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I think you should consider documenting some of your life story and the life lessons you want to pass down, whether it is for kids, grandkids, or TBD.
How is that for a mildly jarring, put-you-on-the-spot opening essay gambit?
For a number of readers, this suggestion will, at the moment, be an ironic one—those of you who have kids who are currently going through a phase of life where parental input is particularly cringy, where simply asking ‘how was your day’ has somehow become super annoying.
But think about this. How many of us have lost parents and wished deeply that we could have captured their stories and life insights before it was too late? And how many others of us have parents who are alive, but getting up there, and we keep meaning to make some effort to interview them? (Real note to self: do finally set this in motion with my own parents by the end of the month. Seriously.)
Given that reality, won’t most kids—even the most currently disinterested—someday want deeper access to us, to the stories and ideas of the adults who shaped them?
Perhaps you are the sort of adult who is gifted with interpersonal communications, one who already makes a habit of bypassing polite chit chat in life and routinely sharing with your kids and loved ones the highs and lows of your life, your hopes and dreams and how they have evolved, and the wisdom gleaned along the way.
But maybe probably not. This is one of the quirky aspects of the human operating system. For most of us, unless somebody spikes our drink at the company holiday party with ayahuasca, or we are in a plane that is on a rapid and unplanned downward trajectory, our communication with others, even loved ones, leans surfacey.
You have a story. You have learned lessons about life the hard way, in part through learning what not to do. You have a world of thoughts that have not seen the light of day, which your kids and others will at some point want to know. Not making this happen really does seem to be an unfortunate missed opportunity.
As one of my grandfathers put it in a document created for his descendants (playfully titled Sense and Senility: “And someday my adorable grandson Leif may be interested to know what the old man he dimly remembers once thought.”
He was right. I am interested to know (sadly, he was less right about the adorableness, or may that faded in the ensuing decades). Because he set off on a project to capture his thoughts and some highs and lows from his life, I can revisit them anytime, which continues to be a great gift.
(His father did something similar so nearly a century and a half after the fact, I know much about great grandfather’s thinking and life, including classic immigrant moments like spending some of his last dollars on an English phrase book.)
Fortunately, we live in a time where there are a variety of resources that makes it especially easy to capture what you want to share with the future, as I outline below.
And I think the time to start capturing is now. For one, it is obviously much easier to recall what we want to say if we don’t wait, possibly documenting in phases, a decade here, a decade there. For another, the kind of life reflection involved may well serve other ends and actually influence the way we live our own lives in the coming years.
My own motivation stems in part from being an older parent who is in a phase I affectionately refer to, in homage to mountain climbers, as the Death Zone. I’m not sure at what age the Death Zone begins in life (on Everest it starts at 26,000 feet), but I know 57 is within the range where we can no longer be completely surprised to learn that a friend was brushing his teeth one minute and the next his or her screen goes black.
My plan is to live a long life, to be a super old but hip grandfather—the one with the cool condo on Mars—but I also realize that, were that not to pan out, I adamantly don’t want to leave anything unsaid to my kids, which I realize is evolutionary wiring talking, urging me to do everything possible to put them in the best position possible to continue the species (or is it the divine life force urging me on?).
I have been working on such a project myself. It centers on a handful of lessons and life turning points (and in my case, the process of recounting the events surrounding the lessons did lead to new insights and changes I want to make in how I live now); my strong sense is that this is the sort of project that we will all be glad we did, feeling deep satisfaction that we fought against life inertia and the challenge of finding time to make it happen.
Plus, better to start now than to wait until the youngsters do approach and ask to interview us for the grandchildren, or however they phrase it, because nothing says ‘we think you are getting close to the end’ like your gray haired kids approaching you with a microphone and asking you to talk about the old days. They might as well be carrying a scythe.
[Note: The rest of the post provides steps to help make this sort of project happen, but it is important to note that, even if this doesn’t seem like your thing, consider at least starting new document on your phone that you call Things I Want My Kids to Know, and start making notes as they occur to you, something several parents have told me they have been keeping for years and are so pleased with how the ideas have built up over time.]
Picking a medium
If there is something in this idea that speaks to you, then the first step—before giving thought to what you might want to say—is simply to give some consideration to the communication medium that you are most comfortable with.
While there was a time when writing would have been the only option, we now have others, with the alternatives centering on speaking. First is the option of dictate—choosing to tap a microphone icon on your computer (or phone), start speaking extemporaneously, and have the computer worry about the typing.
Or, conversely, start recording your voice, whether into a voice memo on your phone or use some program on the computer like Garage Band. And of course, for overachievers, you can do both—make the recording and also use software or dictation to transform it into a transcript.
Speaking is a great way of getting past any issues that many have with writing, an activity that has a way of paralyzing some. Of course, there are the rest of us, those, like me, who are far more comfortable typing or handwriting than we ever would be speaking.
The ideal will be the medium through which you are the least self-conscious and most likely to, once you start going, lose yourself in the process of sharing. This is the key to unearthing the good stuff and possibly even surprising yourself with what you divulge.
Give it a structure
Once you have picked a medium, all that remains, before plunging in, is to give some thought to the organizing principle for your project. Having a simple, possibly crude structure, will serve as blueprint that gets you writing or talking.
When it comes to structure, what you most need to keep in mind is that it doesn’t have be chronological. I-was-born-in-the-year storytelling or sharing can be trap, possibly lulling us into getting lost in the details and not getting to the marrow.
As an example of an alternative, if you reflect back for a bit, are there a series of lessons that you have so far learned that have been pivotal? If so, list these out in your document, and then you will work on sharing the stories and narrative that led up to learning them.
Or if you don’t want to focus on life lessons directly, maybe simply structure it as a highlight reel: Your ten biggest most momentous life moments to date. Simple. Start writing. Don’t have 10? Make it five and add on as the years go by.
Yet another structure, and probably the easiest, is to organize your project around some great story telling prompts, which are questions devised to set this sort of life sharing exercise in motion.
The power of prompts
You may be familiar with prompts if you have played around with conversation cards, whether with family or friends. Prompts are great at freeing our minds—minds that, when faced with a blank page, can go blank. But feed us a question and off we go. Questions provoke mental activity.
There are plenty that you can find online, but I would suggest starting with those provided by a great organization called StoryCorp (more about it in a moment). The following ten, which give a good sense for what is out there, were pulled at near random among dozens on their website.
What is one of your best memories of childhood? Worst?
If you could hold on to memories from your life forever, which would they be?
Can you tell me about a moment when a person’s kindness made a difference in your life?
What have you learned about yourself from being a parent?
When in life have you felt most alone?
How has your life been different than what you’d imagined?
How would you like to be remembered?
What advice would you give your children about raising their own kids?
What is something you’ve never told anyone but you would like to share?
For generations reading or listening to this years from now, is there any wisdom you’d want to pass on to them? What would you want them to know?
As you likely sense from reading these over, if you have some good prompts, much of the hard work is done. Gather a group that most lights you up, paste them into your document, and off you go.
Some inspiration, possibly some accountability
Aside from creating the document, you need to set aside some time to write or speak and then begin. Maybe set up a recurring appointment with yourself on your calendar. There is no need to worry about style or artifice, whether writing or speaking. Communicate in the way that is authentically you. That is what they will want to read or hear.
That said, it can also be fun, when capturing your own memories, reflections, or lessons, to soak up some inspiration from others. Of late, I am obsessed with Ann Patchett’s personal history essays in The New Yorker.
Here is the beginning to her lovely My Three Father’s essay: “Marriage has always proved irresistible to my family. We try and fail and try again, somehow maintaining our belief in an institution that has made fools of us all.”
I am not in danger of writing as well as Ann Patchett any time soon, but the way she shares such clear, concrete details of her past, and occasionally seasons them with a witty reflection or deep insight could, finger crossed, influence how I share with my kids. And you likely have your own favorite memoirs to be inspired by.
The aforementioned StoryCorp is another source for inspiration. The organization, which was founded in 2003 by Dave Issay, helps people share and preserve their stories, with a focus on capturing audio stories through interviews (though their resources can be used for solo ‘self interview’ projects).
Their website has some great examples of stories they have helped capture and listening to them may be the best way of driving home the point that we all have stories to tell and lessons to share, and that there is something very profound in our everyday experiences.
Checking out the StoryCorp website can also inspire a different thought. StoryCorp focusses on individuals interviewing each other, which adds another layer of impact. As such, this can be a great project for couples, or even two good friends who want to team up to interview each other.
As with any effort that is meaningful but a bit outside the flow of our normal daily life, gaining some accountability through teaming up could be a godsend.
And there is the option of making an investment
Not surprisingly, if you would love to do something like this, but perhaps have fears about following through amidst everything else you are doing, or you just want outside help with some aspect, there are no shortage of innovative ways of enlisting assistance, for a price.
This includes Storyworth. For $99, you or a family member you designate, can respond to prompts that come in the form of a weekly email. After a year of collecting prompt responses, the results are captured in a hardcover book.
Storyworth has compelling prompts that are similar to StoryCorp—What things matter most to you in life? Have you ever feared for your life? If you were to do it over, what would you do differently?—though you can also add your own.
(Incidentally, if you want someone to email you weekly prompts for a year for free, and promise to use them, I am happy to help with this. Just send me an email request.)
Should you prefer to go the audio route, Artifact is another resource. For $149, the company will have a professional interviewer record you or a loved one for forty-five minutes, which they edit down to a twenty-minute episode, akin to your own family podcast.
This obviously is a pricier option, especially if you wanted to end up with a more substantial number of minutes. But it also might be that, after paying for a first episode, you are inspired to record more audio on your own.
These are just the beginning. Do a bit of internet searching on the topic and your Facebook feed will fill with different companies looking to help you capture your thoughts and stories.
There are also legions of freelance writers and podcast editors out there looking to supplement their income. Sites like upwork.com or fiverr.com, among others, can connect you with help-for-hire that is likely available and far more reasonable prices than you imagine (writers are particularly hungry).
Finally, there really is no limit to the paid route, including a company like Scribe Media, which will help you not only write your project, but for those with the funds, they will help market your story far beyond your kids and possibly onto the New York Times bestseller list.
Of course, it may be a matter of mere days now before we can simply enlist the right AI bot to take our raw reflections and polish them up to professional level. In seconds. All the more reason to get started and not be too precious about your prose.
It really is about the kids (and possibly their kids)
I have the nagging feeling that there is too much starting over between generations. Too much hard-won insight that is washed away every time the tide comes in, when it wouldn’t be that hard for those of us currently living to capture a message or two in a bottle that can wash up on shore.
Capturing some of your stories, some of your insights, some of whatever you want to share, will help with that. They don’t have to be perfect. Even better, there’s no question of our stories or advice being annoying or offered at the wrong time. Putting them out there, capturing in print or audio, your words will be there when needed. Waiting, should the need or interest arise.
This whole all-consuming business of parenting, these relationships that have us all ready to actually sacrifice our lives at the drop of a hat (what do you need, Doc, my spleen, heart, lungs, appendix? Take it all! I don’t need them!)—whose idea was this? And why weren’t we told, really told what we were signing up for?
My hope is that if we go through this effort, try to get it all out there, all this experience and insight, then it is possible that we may feel some unexpected relief, having really shared what needed to be shared and then handed if off, possibly with a brief note note: Should you feel so inclined, give this a read. Now, I’m out of here. My work is done.
Or possibly for you, it is just beginning, starting with making an electronic folder for you project and taking it from there. You know what to do.
Take-aways, caveats, details, fine print
Many of us have a tendency to hold back on candidly sharing all of the stories, thoughts, and life insights that we have to share with our kids and loved ones.
While it doesn’t always seem like it, there is a part of kids, especially in adulthood, that longs for this information.
There are a variety of reasons that it would be best not to wait too long to endeavor to capture some of what we would like to pass along—including the fact that the exercise of reflecting can inform your current life.
Technology makes it easier to launch into our own project of capturing our lives, giving us the option of typing, dictating, or creating audio recordings.
Once we know the medium we want to use, the main other step, aside from writing/speaking, is to come up with a structure for the project, and there are alternatives to strict chronological to consider.
Working with great prompts, which are readily available online, is one of the easiest ways to get going.
For those looking for more help, and willing to make an investment, there are some really creative companies out there that can help make a project like this happen at any scale you choose.
Passing along our lessons learned and life experiences is a near biological imperative that can fall squarely in that category of things we are most happy we took the time to make happen.
For those without the time to start this now, simply creating a document in your phone in which you start capturing the lessons and insights you most want to share with your kids and ensure they have access to in the future is an alternative that has been meaningful tool for many parents.